Up and down

Woke up this morning and I was fired from a job I haven’t even started yet. Crushed doesn’t come close, the world fell from under my feet for the 2nd time in a month.

Watched everything I have wanted this year just fall away from my grasp. Lost a stable job offer with regular pay and hours, the chance to work on rebuilding myself, to finally heal from the nightmare that has been my mental health for the last 7 years.

The dream of my own dog and  being able to see friends gone again.

Sat and stared into a mirror for an hour and was too numb to even cry, not a single tear.

Begged and pleaded with all I have and got resent the job offer.

Kicked a wall with unexpected fury at having to beg for my dream back.

Cannot bring myself to feel positive about it again.

Questioning my current relationship.

Do we even have anything in common?

Do you understand me?

Is hugs, sympathetic noises, sex and a couch to hide on when I can’t go home really all I can get?

Are you even the right gender?

I’m too afraid of being alone to break it off.

And too afraid of new people to go and meet someone else.

I want someone I feel safe with, that will come with me to crazy places and laugh at my weird outlook on life, how silly I can sometimes be when the chaos in my head quietens down


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