Today

Today was a bagel for breakfast.
Today was manic energy at work to finish the jobs list on time.
Today was hurrying, and running, and racing and still falling short.
Today was eating apple after apple to avoid coffee cake. And chocolate. And crisps. And cheese.
Today was standing up, hearing your heart go: “thuuuuuu…..thu….ddddd, thud, thud, thud…” darkness dancing in your eyes.
Today was caving. One saltana. Just a bit. A little bit more. Half a cake. Rummage for biscuits, bread, wafers. Fill the void with something.
Make a joke, laugh it off.
“So hungry after all that effort.”
Today was guilt for failing to succeed at even trying.
Today was over eating at dinner. Heading to the toilet. “Skimming a bit off the top”
Today was staring at caramel shortbread while trying to focus on work dates. Watching others eating and tasting the sugar, feeling it slide down your own throat as they swallow. Wondering how they eat without adding calories, and fat, and sugar over and over again. Thinking about toast, and wraps, and pasta. An orange maybe?
Can’t stop, better to not eat at all.
Today was phoning home and sobbing because you can no longer verbalise the nightmare you’ve created for yourself.
Today was 200 squats with tears running down your face.
Today was a shower, carving red lines across your stomach and thighs with the sharp point of a necklace.
Today was hell and tomorrow never comes.

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