This hurts

Sitting in silence thinking. Unable to take part in conversation because the noise in your head is too loud, the numbness too great. The weight of expectations and the size of the future sitting heavy in stomach and chest. Feeling crushed and broken.

Wishing for serious injury, for a car accident, a heart attack.  Something that means I really can’t do this. Something other than the fact I just feel overwhelmed by it all.

Something physical and able to hold onto. Something that isn’t just “my head space is broken and I don’t know how to fix it”

Something that isn’t spending all day thinking about food and eating and feeling awful.

Wanting a get out of jail free card because I’ve fallen so far down the hole this time that I can’t even see the way out. I’m going through the motions now. Dragging myself through each day and being unable to focus and move forward.

I want to throw it all away, get a rubbish job. A reason to hate everyday, to curl into myself and my eating disorder. I’m tired of trying to be free of this misery where my stomach hurts, my throat is swollen, my legs cramp and my hands shake.

I stared hard at my car door today and considered slamming it shut on my hand. Just for a week off. Some breathing space.

I want to hold tight to someone and never let go. I’m so alone even when surrounded by people. I’m scared of being left, of getting too emotionally involved. I need a life raft that will never fall apart on me, I cling onto you the nights we are together and the fear of waking up without you there keeps me awake. Yet I don’t know if  I can be with you in the future, if you will ever stay with me if you know the mess I am in. 

I want to go home and I don’t know where that is anymore.

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