Snapshots

Have you ever just been still? Listened to your heart beat, the sound of breathing.
The sun warm on your back, the texture of wood beneath your fingers. Aware of each inch of your skin, and muscle, and bone.
Feeling the earth beneath you.
Breathe.

Then the silence shatters like glass, the fragments of what could have been piercing your skin, piece by piece.

The empty space rips open in your chest and suddenly it’s hard to breathe, to move, to think. It’s all so overwhelming that you feel the world pressing down upon you. The sky too huge, too heavy, the air to thick to breathe.

Somehow you stumble through.
I’m fine, not mad, not mad at all.
I’m fine!

Smile, keep eating, eat some more.
Second sandwich,  no-one knows, they won’t notice.
Scotch egg, crisps, more bread.
I’M FINE!

Find some crackers, how old? Who knows? They’ll be gone soon anyway.

Later, cake.
Who brings this to work? Fucker!
I don’t need this, don’t want this, I’m fine!
Too tired, too exhausted, too fed up to puke.

Biscuits, chocolate, another scotch egg.
Throw up. Legs, arms, stomach, throat. All aching, all tired. All so done with this.

Then you’re flying.
Exhilaration from nowhere,  pack a bag in a rush, throwing things in. Can’t find trousers, must be these ones or the world will fall apart.
Tearing around the house. Where are you!? Talking out loud, careful now, don’t let anything slip. You’re not mad.
Found them!!
To infinity and beyond!
Let’s go!
LET’S GO!!

Half a pizza, and more, then a whole one, add crisps, quick cigarette. Throw up.
Drinking wine like water.
Whole bottle down.
Drive.
Home.
Now.

Friends trying to make you stay. Curled up on a bed shivering. So cold. So tired. I’m fine. Going home.

Driving at 90 on narrow lanes, foot to the floor.
So slow! Too slow!!
LET’S GO!!

In bed, hands blue, muscles in knots, heart beat stuttering along.
I’m fine.

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