Yesterday I kicked the freezer into the back wall out of frustration that it holds food dammit. And I broke the power cord.
Today I went shopping with my friend to but things for their new house and refill the freezer with all the gone off food.
Walking past all the food, feeling the chocolate melt in my mouth, crunching each different type of crisps as the the flavors explode on my tongue.
Resisting the urge to grab everything, pile cake and bread, a whole block of cheese into the trolley, for someone else to pay for. My card canceled.
Shaking, heart hammering, looking at other people with pizza and garlic bread, with jacket potatoes, beans, Easter eggs everywhere.
Wandering off to look at doughnuts, meringue pie, holding a box of bagels so hard they break, afraid to let go in case you let go of yourself along the way.
Getting lost, finding my friend then getting lost again, sitting on a beanbag in the homewear section because there is no food there and that is safe.
Missed calls and texts asking where you are. Why you have left already?
And every time you look at your phone is reminds you, politely, to please phone the doctors and you wonder how it ever got this bad.