I’ve been away for a long time, just been busy with life. I’m still here, still kicking, a lot less stuck than I was.
While I was gone my cousin got stuck in a much darker place than me, I tried university, I lost jobs, left jobs and wandered, so lost and so alone for a while. Spend money I didn’t (don’t) have on food, alcohol, knives. Dazed I bounced from place to place, followed the current and always took the option that had no possibility of failure, because if you don’t try then you can’t fail. And I never believed I would succeed either. Not at anything, because everyday depression still robs me of my self belief, me drive to succeed and the ability to see a future beyond tomorrow.
The depression is still there, the bleak black thoughts, the “I wish I’d never been born days”, the temptation to quit, just up and leave one day to somewhere new and cold and bright, where nothing links me to me.
But I can’t, I really can’t. I’ve put years of effort into spinning a web, a blanket of friends, family, books, music, food I now love that I can finally eat without shame or regret or disgust. There are promises I’ve made, to parents, to siblings, to my partner, promises that I cannot and will not break. Whispers and plans for the future, phone contracts, holiday plans. Small, tiny quiet hushed thoughts of trying to start a blog, to read and review books, to discuss life with mental illness and to try and illuminate the darkness for others that are wandering alone.
I am scared of failure though, of having to advertise my inner thoughts, it’s okay for strangers to read, or internet friends. But somehow the thought of people I know and love reading the deepest of my feelings and worries makes me hesitate, I have put hours, days and weeks, practised lies of “I’m okay” or “just tired today” for as long as I can remember, and I am terrified to break the final wall that stands between me and everyone I hold dear. Being honest hurts, leaves you open to pain and suffering and being misunderstood. And I am unsure that I am ready for this yet.