I’m sorry I never call.
I’m sorry I only turn to you in a crisis.
I’m sorry you can never tell what mood I’m in, if I’ll be loving, or angry, or so full of energy we have to go NOW and do this amazing thing because I will DIE if we don’t.
Or if I will be laughing then suddenly cry for 3 hours.
I’m sorry I keep bailing on plans, sorry I commit to things in a moment of spontaneous joy then cannot keep my promises.
I’m sorry I keep pretending I’m fine, that I have everything under control, that my life is picking up and that my future is bright and wonderful and I’m so happy.
I’m sorry that I’m so scared. That I see my future as something huge and menacing and dark and that I can’t see how it will work. Sorry I’m so terrified of the looming unknown that I run from commitment, scared of it all working out, scared of missing something fantastic because I’m doing something else.
I’m sorry I feel like this, I’m sorry I’m broken and that I am too scared of life to fully let my eating disorder go, even though I know it is a weight I drag behind me.
I’m sorry for the pain I cause, of asking for support when I know you’re out of your depth and equally as scared as I am, yet I lean on you too hard anyway.
Then withdraw because feelings tear me apart and I wonder if I will ever be able to put myself back together again.
I’m sorry for wanting to be really sick again because this halfway place is worse than being ill ever was. Sorry that I can’t pull that last foot out of the mud, accept responsibility, that I can actually do my job and do it well.
I’m sorry I am so scared of making a mistake in the one thing I love, scared of feeling that I have blown it all forever, or that I’m just not good enough.
I’m sorry for wanting to be horrifically injured or die, because that is easier than trying. Then I’d have a reason to fail. Because I can’t deal with the thought that sometimes I may be out of my depth and drown.
I’m sorry I just want to sleep for a very, very long time

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