I couldn’t write this post before I had all the scans and blood tests and I knew everything was as normal as could be. I was scared that I would curse it, that I would miscarry, my child would sprout extra arms overnight or any other crazy scenario. But now I know that everything is okay I feel ready to share my mental health and pregnancy experience.
- avoid foods or smells that make you feel sick (avoid food? Heck yes, thanks for giving me an excuse)
- eat small frequent meals high in carbohydrate (my fave binge foods, now I get to eat them frequently, OHMYGOD heaven)
- eat cold foods if the smell of hot meals makes you feel sick (all the ice cream, comes up easily too)
- Want to eat more, because my stomach is EMPTY and that is an absolutely toxic state for me now as a lingering effect of bulimia. I still panic when I am really, really hungry becasue the urge to binge becomes a need that is much harder to ignore.
- Throw up again. For 3 years vomiting was nomally the start of a binge-purge session as I would purge a normal meal due to fear of weight gain, and then binge because I was hungry (see above bulletpoint).
- Have a mild mental crisis. Am I starting bulimic behaviours again? Did I actually need to vomit or was it simply normal nausea after a meal that I let become more? Do I now eat again so I am not hungry or will this sprial further?
- Sugar free polos. Amazing, elimiated nausea if I ate them constantly, zero trigger effect. 10/10 to baby.
- Sage and onion stuffing. Hated for years and stodgy carbs and me still have a complicated on-and-off again relationship. Made partner happy as he loves it and ate half the packet for me. 6/10
- Mashed Potato and gravy. Fear food from anorexic days, fave food ever from normal, pre-mess childhood. Bought back good memories and zero nasty thoughts. 2000/10 to the baby for that one.
- Cake, Thankfully this hit around my birthday and vanished again just as quickly because cake=BAD and I still struggle with this one. 10/10 for timing, 2/10 for actual craving
- Raw Carrot. Crunchy veggie goodness, 100000/10
- Noodles/spaghetti. See above for carb issues. but delicious and fun to feed to the Demon Canine, especially when they get stuck on her nose like a bad mustache. 7/10.
Maybe this section should have come first but the changes to my body have been the hardest to cope with mentally and the most difficult to explain to people.
The inevitable body changes were AWFUL. Think puberty on steroids for months. I hurt all over, I was exhausted to levels I have never experienced before, even when running 12 miles a day on 1000 calories. It also brought some of my worst fears to life.
Have any of you been through this? Do you have any tips for a new mother with chronic mental illness? Do you have any tips for a new mother full stop?
Please don’t hesitate to get in touch either on this page or via social media!