Post-breakup

My ex came to see me today, to give me my present from their holiday and to see how I was.

Actually I’ve lost 10 pounds since you last saw me, but you can’t tell cause I’m wearing baggy clothes and my face is swollen.

And I didn’t eat breakfast because eggs defeated me again and I’m so tired. Feeling a little fuzzy, heads spinning a bit, but we can go for a walk to chat a bit sure, been sat around all morning waiting for you.

I’m doing okay thanks. Not the worst I’ve ever been for sure.

No I haven’t shared everything with you, not at all, maybe 30% if I’m feeling generous.

No offence but some parts of my past and my thoughts I just can’t share. It’s too raw and painful and just no.

If happened to me, not you and I don’t expect you to understand.

So you self harmed to? Because other people did? Yeah, ow, I carved my thighs and arms into a criss-cross of interwoven strands of pain but you did to right? I can’t even see scars, don’t try and climb into my head.

And you didn’t turn me gay, my sexuality is none of your business, never really was. Don’t make this about yourself.

No I don’t know why I starved myself, I don’t know why the people I love let me go as far as I did. But it happened, and I can’t share the deepest depths of that pain and how it ruined every aspect of my life. And it’s still there, the thoughts and feelings never go away. I’ve talked to people about this. I’ve even been in recovery on and off for a while.

It. Doesn’t. Leave. You.

Don’t try and say otherwise, you’ve not lived this.

Now get out of my house before I throw my bucket of tea in your face. I’ve tried to help you get out of the rut of your life and you haven’t even tried. Don’t moan if you aren’t going to try and fix it.

I left because it wasn’t working, nothing personal, you just live too far away, and I want my life down here, not spent on the motorway between our houses.

I’m grateful for what we had, don’t get me wrong. I truly appreciate what you did to hold me together. But I’m spinning out in a whole different way. I’ll try and be your friend but you don’t need to watch this next phase of self destruction.

I’m so heavy I’m suffocating. And I’m so hungry it hurts.

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