Monday Blues

Monday blues have hit me hard this week. And I’m not even employed. These past few months have been a whirlwind with moving house (to a whole different country because why make life easy for myself?), 2 months, and counting, of being unemployed and a puppy hitting teenager stage. Think T-Rex with a megaphone and a liking for chewing feet…

While I am so fortunate to have, a) savings and b) a partner that makes enough for us to survive for the time being, unemployment is still hard. Day after day of sending CV’s to companies that don’t even reply, visiting the employment agency to view list after list of jobs I have no skills or qualifications in. It’s tough for anyone, and for me with low self esteem it pushes me further and further down each day. I feel like screaming, or throwing my CV at people on the street, or just giving up and becoming a hermit because all I do at the moment is spend the day sat behind a computer yelling into the void anyway. This is partly why I started this blog, to give me a sense of purpose and a tangible sense of achievement, where I can sit back and say: “Look! I wrote a thing that others can read! And maybe they don’t feel so alone anymore”. I hope some of you reading this can relate and feel like they have found someone who understands, cause that can make even the dark days seem brighter. Maybe you have some ideas how to help, or want to give me a good old “stop being a wimp” slap. I deserve that, probably.

I had an interview today at least. One I was woefully under prepared for having spent the last week in a serious mental flump. I couldn’t read too well, even basic tasks like laundry and shopping have been beyond me. It’s taken all I have to keep up with the demon dog who seems to be running on inexhaustible energy these days. It went pretty well though, I think, it’s so hard to say these days with my rational brain saying one thing and the other voice in my head whispering “you’re useless, they hated you, give up before you get hurt…” I only have to wait until MARCH to find out anyway, so riding this loop of negativity for a month should really help with my mental health…

In the meantime I have a brand new bookshelf up and ready to go, just need to summon the energy to start filling it with all my books that came here in the move. Once I get going I know I’ll enjoy it, being able to organise my books, notes and board games, to finally feel like I have moved in properly. I love book shelves, I always have, for as long as I can remember I have dreamt of a library with all my favourites there for me to see. No more forgetting the name of a book I once read and desperately needing to read it again because it will be right there.

For now though the bookshelf sits empty, like a metaphor for something that I am to soul weary to think of right now. I will fill it soon with all the stories I have held onto.

2 Comments

  1. Doug

    Great post! Alex was unemployed for 5 months when we moved last and she hated it, but now shes in a job she enjoys, im sure you’ll get thEre too. In the mean time, keep writing, because you’re good at it!

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