Lost

Had a week of getting sworn at. Of being abused for asking for simple jobs to be done.

A week of walking in a daze, struggling to form coherent thoughts, struggling to distinguish time. Where days blur together.

A week of trying, really trying hard to be positive, to do my job, to keep people motivated and working hard. A week of reaching deep within myself to try and pull something out that will make it seem like it’s all okay.

A week of occasionally laughing and feeling like I’m removed from myself.

Being asked by a kid if I’ve ever tried to hang myself.

Comments that flew a little too close to home.

Being told that I cannot get a continuous assessment signed off as I have “done nothing this week”

That I need to accept I won’t always like what I’m asked to do. That I have to just deal with it.

Sitting watching my hands like they belong to someone else. Feeling water slide down my face and realise I’m crying.

The future seems bleak and empty and unobtainable again. Days filled with dark thoughts and fears. Feeling that I will never make it or be good enough.

That I’m dragging this around with me for the rest of my life.

Unable to see what else I can do with my future.

Continually think I’d be better off not living anymore

 

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