How do you identify the 6 young people you are in charge of in the dark when they are all wearing identical water proofs?
I have been immensely privileged to work with a super enthusiastic and motivated group of kids this week.
I was laughing, making jokes, being silly. On top of my game with motivation and inspiring them to all work with me and as a team.
I was calm, thinking clearly, not angry or irrationally sad.
My eating was as normal as it has been for over a year.
Then I had the biggest interview of my life.
And I failed.
For the second time.
And I don’t know if I can do it again.
If I even want it enough.
I wish someone I told knew how important it was to me and had called to see how I am.
I haven’t eaten since last night.
Spent the remainder of this day crying.
Pilling pillows and blankets and jumpers onto my bed to build a wall.
Pushing myself as far into the corner as I can, hugging my stuffed animals tight to my chest.
Hoping that the warmth and heaviness of it all will somehow keep me together.
Stop the cracks that feel like they are forming deep in my soul from tearing me apart.
I’m too ashamed to tell my parents, to let them down again.
But I’m trying not to do something silly.
Like taking sleeping pills to make it all go away.
But if you are looking for me and don’t know where I am.
I’m curled up in the darkness doing jazz hands.