What do you do on the days that aren’t okay but aren’t technically bad either?
I can read, I just don’t want to. I can write but words are hard to find. There is nothing on Netflix that is holding my attention. No films I feel like sitting through.
It’s one of those halfway days, where I can do things, I’ve taken Nala to the beach, been food shopping, even though nothing I bought really makes a complete meal, just a random assortment of snacks, most of which were shockingly healthy considering my mood. I have not made a phone call that I should have done because I’m tired and confused and talking is difficult.
I got up and dressed, didn’t even put outdoor clothes on over pyjamas which has been my compromise on bad days, I took the bin bags out and that is somehow all I have the energy for. So I have sat on the sofa for hours, flicking through series, starting films and losing track, picking up my phone to put it down again. Endless cycles of trying to find something I am interested in and getting nowhere. I don’t want to do anything more with Nala even though I know she needs it, outside is loud and busy, I have to talk to people and it is just so hard today. Yet this is nothing compared to how bad things have been previously, when I couldn’t even get out of bed, or talk or think clearly or read.
I can see, and feel and remember how far I have come. Yet all the time I have a to-do list running in my head that won’t let up, things I need to do today, like make dinner, that somehow seem impossible and overwhelming. One of those days where it is all too much. Yet the guilt and feeling like I SHOULD be doing something will not let up. It isn’t a motivating guilt either, it’s the kind that sits in your stomach and festers there making you feel worse and worse. I am second guessing writing this, who wants to read the writing of a rambling depressive?
I am tired of these days, the halfway point between living normally and the depths of depression. The days full of guilt, exhaustion and half-arsed jobs. These days are the worst somehow, you’re well enough to feel like you are taking time out of your life that you can’t afford to anymore. Well enough to be aware of how much you are missing and how easy it would be to give up and slide back to where you have been. Yet sick enough to struggle, to know that today is a difficult day. To know that the road to healing is never smooth.
Even the weather is having a bad day, the kind where the air feels oppressive, the wind is strong and the sea is loud enough to almost quiet my thoughts. I feel in sync with the weather even if the rest of my day is odd and off kilter.
The halfway days are the hardest to fight through and the ones that are worth the most for the times the light breaks through.