I reached my goal weight this morning, which has now become goal weight number 1 as there are still jiggly bits, i can still grab my stomach and hips, my thighs still wobble, I can grab fistfuls of my arm fat.
And I’m cycling to work slower and slower, my legs ache, my arms ache, my chest aches.
Checking my fibit all day, only 8000 steps. Not enough. Nowhere close, but I’m cold and shaking and dizzy if I stand up too long.
Taking 20 minutes to eat some lettuce and grated carrot, banana this morning as I ate a rice cake yesterday that I didn’t plan for. A rice cake, 60 calories. And I can’t eat today.
Going to see my best friends later, having pizza, which has been bouncing around my mind all day. Cheese, tomato, bread. So complicated. So bad.
Said I would get snacks. Extra things I’ll want to eat and can’t. But I want nice things, I want to see them eat and enjoy it. Get fat and happy while I sit there a master and sip my diet coke.
I’m lonely and it hurts but this is a fight between me and my dark demon in my head and there is no room for anyone else.
Just want to wither and dissappear. Fade away. I’m done