Falling

I’m sat in a taxi, with my knee on fire.

Drunk 8 doubles of rum, 3 shots. Nothing makes a difference.

I still feel and infinite depth of sadness which is crushing my soul. A fuzzy hum in my head that won’t go away no matter how much I eat, or drink, or exercise.

I don’t feel like I will ever make it. The future has become vast and huge and terrifying again.

I no longer purge but I eat and eat and drink and drink in the hope that someday the path of my life makes sense.

I want to go to university so badly or hurts yet I cannot bring myself to sit down and study, to find a job that lets me escape the hell hole of the pervert I currently work with.

I’m too scared of losing my friends,  too scared of fee extra effort I will take to keep o  touch when I’m no longer a 10 minute car drive away.

I want my mum so badly I cry most nights yet I cannot move back home for fear of suffocating.

I’m trapped by my own mind, lost, scared, hurting, afraid. Too worried about things I cannot define and things that may not even happen to change.

I want my arms to shatter,  or my legs implode. Anything to give me a reason to curl into a ball and cry for a week.

Anything but admitting my mind is broken. My spirit beaten down. My heart shattered .

This blackness and fire needs to end. There is a whole world I want to see and I’m too scared of getting unknown to reach out and take it

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