This is my last day off until I start work properly. The last day until I’m teaching in my chosen field.
I feel like I have no idea. Like I’m out of my depth, that I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve forgotten how to teach, forgotten everything I’m supposed to know.
I’m absolutely terrified.
Beyond this I have interviews, volunteering. Racing.
All this time I’ve scared that someone will say something. Shout that I’m a fraud. I don’t have a clue. I’m pretending to be good at all this.
That I’m not worthy. I can’t do this. I’m bulimic for God’s sake.
You’re a mess. A Nutter. A loser
You can’t even eat like a normal human.
This cycles around my head all day. There is no break from this. No respite.
In my mind I will never be good enough. Never clever enough. Never know enough.
Never smart, confident, pretty, outgoing, strong, brave.
NEVER FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH
How do I move on from this?
How do I get a life from this black shit heap that I’ve ended up in?
Why did I have an amazing afternoon with my family and spend a significant chunk of time bending over a toilet?
Why do I look at my cousin in jealousy? At her stick thin arms and legs, her neck I could fit one hand around.
And I wonder. Are you anorexic? Are you starving? How can you cope with the hunger?
I fucking hope you achieve everything you ever wanted.
Because at this rate I want to be dead in the next year.
I can’t cope with this expectation. All the family members that think I’m doing fine. That I’ve got this a sorted.
That I’m brave, and amazing and wonderful for doing what I love.
And I can’t cope with how many people now know what I’m aiming for. It’s one thing to disappoint your family again and one thing to let absolutely everyone you know down.
I want to do this and I want to curl up and sleep forever.
The moments or focus and clarity and pure concentration when I think I can do this. I’ve got this.
I’ve been working towards this for 4 years.
And then I want my whole brain to fall apart again because I don’t want it to be my fault I fail.
I want to blame mental illness still because I’m not ready for responsibility.
I don’t want to be the reason that I fail.
I don’t want to do this anymore.