Watching a friends baby stick her fingers in her mouth, family comments about “too early to start an eating disorder” “at least keep the nutrients inside”.
I know my disorder isn’t obvious anymore, I know I don’t walk around with a sign on my forehead announcing this. But it still hurts and these kinda comments are everywhere.
They shake my core, hurt my fragile growing sense of right and wrong.
Scare me for this child’s future, for the future of everyone. Nobody ever deserves to wade through the dark and cold and piercing painful world of an eating disorder. Nobody deserves to emerge fragile and hurting and afraid and try to rebuild a life that should never have been broken.
So I’ve spent this evening full of jacket potato, brioche pudding, ginger beer and toffee. Things I would never normally eat by myself, things I would have panicked about a few weeks ago but now I’m just apathetic about the whole thing.
For the first time in memory I remember watching the fireworks. The bangs that resonate through your chest. The colours and sparks that light up the sky like luminous flowers.
I can’t describe how I feel but it’s close to contentment with a side of panic mixed in.
I’m slowly healing and one day I hope to be free